Les Miserables The Hogwarts Way!
by Lady Eponine Black
Summary: When Andromeda decides to direct Les Miserables with HAT  Hogwarts Association of Theatre  she got a lot more then she bargained for. Come with us as the chaos and hilarity ensues, and the cast proceeds to thoroughly make a mess of this great classic.
1. Cast list and yelling

**Edited May 14, 2013**

"Alright everybody, please quiet down, and come sit over here."

Of course, nobody listened to me. Everybody was over at the other end of the _Room of Requirement_; some people were crowded around Hermione's (illegal) laptop (who said technology didn't work in the wizarding world?), reading an article about the cast of Merrily we Roll along. Some other people were playing catch with a portable microphone, and another group of people (Fred, George, Sirius, James) were doing something very fishy to the box of scripts. And everybody was being loud. Very loud. It was noisier than a Quidich game in here. I cleared my throat and sighed. Just another typical day at the HAT headquarters. For those of us that don't know, HAT is the Hogwarts Association of Theatere, and this year, our chosen musical was-_gulp_-Les Miserables. Yes, we are absolutely mad. And in a moment of insanity, I had decided to direct.

"Hey! Everybody _shut up_!" Nobody listened. I tried again. "YO! PEOPLE! GET OVER HERE. CAST LIST TIME!"

Immediately, a hush fell over the room. Slowly, without making a sound, the cast all sat down on the large WICKED carpet in the middle of the spacious chamber. Suddenly, I had sixty pairs of eyes boring into mine. Uh-oh. I hoped nobody decided to take out their I've-got-a-to-small-part-woes on me, like last year when Cho Chang threw a fit because I had made the (good) decision not to cast her as Kim in Miss Saigon. "But I'm _Asian_!" she had wailed. "I'm the _perfect_ Kim!" I had replied with "But you can't sing." Which was true. After that disaster of a show, I had vowed never to direct again. So… why was I here? And why did all of Claude-Michel Schönberg musicales have whores and illegitimate children? I shook myself out of my thoughts, and shuffled the papers in m hands.

"Ok, everybody, we're going to start by reading the cast list out."

Nobody said anything. I cleared my throat.

"Ok…Jean Valjean will be played by Sirius Black."

"Yes!" Sirius punched the air, as most of the males in the room gave him how-dare-you looks.

"That's not fair!" cried Cedric Diggory. "Why aren't I Valjean."

"Because I'm actually an escaped Convict."

"You cast him because he was an escaped convict?" Cedric turned on me, his eyes flashing. I sighed.

"No, Cedric. I cast him because he can sing, and-"

"The fact that I'm an escaped convict just strengthens that decision."

"Not really. Shut up, Sirius." God, I was getting good at lying. "Anyway, he doesn't escape prison, he just breaks parole." I couldn't help adding.

"What!" Sirius gasped. "That's stupid. At least _I_ escape. God, I'm so much better then he is." Sirius turned to me. "Hey Meda, how about we change it? How about Valjean is an animagus, and escapes?"

"Nope."

" Or he just blast his way out?"

"Absolutely not."

"Or-"

"_No_, _Sirius_."

"But-"

" That's enough. This is by the book. He doesn't escape."

"Why not?"

"Its silly. It's not in the book. But there is a crappy movie version were he escapes."

" Whys it crappy?"

"They cut Eponine."

" Fine. Case closed."

"Good. Moving on. Next, Javert will be played by…Severus Snape."

Cries of

_"What?"_

_"That greasy hairball!"_

_"But that's the best part in the whole play!"_

Were heard from all around.

"Unfair! He's a death eater!

"Exactly, they're the bad guys!"

"What are you talking about Seamus, he's not a _bad_ guy."

"Yes he is!"

"No, he's just doing what he thinks is right!"

"Being a death eater?"

Oh boy. This was not going well. I cut in between Seamus and Dean.

"Guys, we're not talking about Snapes…er…chosen employer. We will try to be nice here. and accepting. Snape was cast, fair and-"

But I was cut of with a loud hoot from Sirius.

"YES! I get to hit snivellus with a chair!"

Oh Christ. This was not going to be good. How was i ever going to convince Sirius to save Snape at the barricades? But if anybody could do it, I could. I glanced at Snape, who was glowering at me with evil eyes. Because everybody knew he had wanted to be Eponine.

"Sirius, no you don't. That's going to be a _staged_ fight." But he wasn't listening to me. He and Harry and James were singing a song that went like: "Hitting Snape in the head with a chair YEAH! Hitting Snape in the head with a chair YEAH!" and so on.

"Stuff it guys. As I was saying, we will try to cut down that fight as much as-"

"Hitting Snape in the head with a chair _YEAH_! Hitting Snape in the-"

"Can it, guys. There's a time, and there's a place."

"Well why not here and now?"

"Because-"

"HITTING SANPE IN THE HEAD-"

"SHUT UP, or I'll curse you. Or fire you."

They shut up.

"Great. Moving on. Fantine will be played by…Lily Potter!"

"What? Does that mean I'm _Cosette_?" yelled Harry.

"But I don't abandon her!" yelled James.

" I'm not a soprano!"

"And I'm a loving Husband!"

" I can't sing a high F!"

"And I'm not named Felix."

Good grief. Were they really THAT stupid? Well, yes.

"No, Harry, are you mad? Under no circumstances will you play Cosette. Unless we're doing a switched gender version of the show…but we're not. And James, we all know you didn't abandon her. This is a play, not real life. _Settle down Sirius. I MEAN IT!_"

"But-"

"Nobody cares, Cho. No-Don't cry. Please don't cry. Good. Ready? Great, lets continue." I glanced at Lily, who was beaming at James. "Aright. Enjolras will be played by Neville."

"That idiot? No way!"

"Shut it Zabini. "

"But I'm-"

"A git." Finished Fred, and everybody nodded.

"Marius will be Harry."

"_Why?_"

"Because he's a cute nitwit."

"HEY!"

"Sorry, Harry"

"But it true."

"Yes it is. And Cosette will be Ginny."

Ginny and Harry grinned at each other.

"Eponine will be played by Luna."

"Why?"

"Because she's Ginny's friend, and therefore Ginny won't hex her." (I hope.) Now, that may have been a bad way to cast, but when Ginny played Gigi in Miss Saigon last year, she had hexed the engineer for hitting her. I don't think Neville has ever been the same since. And I doubted Ginny would hex Luna.

"Hopefully…" murmured Ginny, casting an evil look at Luna, who smiled.

"Don't worry Ginny, I don't like Harry. He's to weird."

"Coming from Loony Lovegood."

"Don't call her that, Ron. It's not nice. You're Grantaire."

"WHAT?"

"Yup. Fits you perfectly." I grinned. Ron was good at drunk. And bad at singing. Go figure.

"Ha-ha." Smirked Hermione.

"The students are Seamus Finnegan, Dean Tomas, Bill Wealsy, Cedric Diggory, Draco Malfoy-"

"My Father will hear about this!"

"- Ernie McMillan, Oliver Wood, Fred and George Wealsy, Justin Finch Flechly, and Lee Jordan."

Everybody cheered, Fred and George the loudest. They slapped each other five, and began muttering about something that did not sound good.

"The Female Ensemble will be Susan Blackwell, Hermione Granger-"

"WHAT! I'M A WHORE! But all I wanted was extra credit." She groaned.

Now it was Ron's turn to smirk.

" At least I have a name." He bragged.

"But Andromeda-" she whined

"There are no small parts Hermione, only small actors." I said atomaticly. " – Alicia Spinet, Angelina Jonson, Cho Chang, Hannah Abbot, Katie Bell, Parvati Patil, Lavender brown, Padma Patil, Romilda Vane, and Emma Dobbs. Happy everyone? _NO_, Parvati, I don't care. That was rhetorical. Thugs will be Crabbe, Goyle, Viktor Krum, Bill Wealsy, and Theodore Nott. Little Cosette is Rose Zeller, Gavroche is Denis Creavy. Lupin is the bishop; Marcus Flit is the foreman, James is Bamabois, "

"What?"

"Do you want anybody else raping your wife?"

"Good point."

"But who will be the Thenardiers?" asked Hannah Abbot. "Everybody here is cast already.

I groaned. I was positive that the cast would not appreciate my casting decision with those two villains.

" Err...You'll find out tomorrow. Now get some sleep, memorize your lines, and be here at five. "

Once everybody was gone, I sighed. This was going to be a long show.

_A/N- my first crackfic. Please be nice. Points to anyone who got the Chess, TOS, and Shrek references._

_Leave a review to guess the Thenardiers! Tell me if I''ve missed anybody._

_**In the next Episode-The Thenardiers Reveled! (Maybe) Work song lyrics ruined by Sirius! A nasty incident with Snape! A chain Gang! And why the characters are muggles! Stay tuned**__!_


	2. Work song and too much interrupting

It was the first real day of rehearsal, and we were all gathered in the room again. We were about to start the work song, the first in the show. I assembled everybody in the middle of the room. We were all tired after a long school day, but most of us were eager to begin.

"OK guys, time to start 'Work Song.' We'll need all the guys, except Marius and Enjolras. Javert, over there. Valjean and convicts, there. Eponine, Fantine, Cosette…you all over there, you're not in this song. Go do your homework, or something. No talking. And I really mean that this time, guys. Bathroom is over there. Scripts open everybody. Ok, let's begin. We don't have a lot of time."

**[PRISONERS]**

**Look down, look down**

**Don't look 'em in the eye**

**Look down, look down,**

**You're here until you die**

"No no _no_. You are convicts, working in the hot sun. I want feeling, _emotion_. And please god be on key." I walked over and adjusted the volume of the music. "Lets keep going."

**[CONVICT ONE]**

**The sun is strong**

**It's hot as hell below**

**[Valjean]**

**Look down, look down,**

**There's twenty years to go**

"Or 19. Or 13, that's how long I was in jail."

"Shush it." I said. I could tell that we were going to have some trouble with Sirius.

**[CONVICT TWO]**

**I've done no wrong!**

**Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer!**

Or don't. I don't care. Can my name by Joe?

"No. You don't have a name, so shut it Dean."

**[PRISONERS]**

**Look down look down,**

**Sweet Jesus doesn't care**

"Like hell he doesn't."

"_Ron."_

**[CONVICT THREE/Cedric]**

**I know she'll wait,**

**I know that she'll be true!**

Will you, Cho?

"No. I want Harry."

"HEY!"

**[PRISONERS]**

**Look down, look down,**

**They've all forgotten you.**

**[CONVICT FOUR]**

Don't forget me, please.

**When I get free ya won't see me**

**Here for dust!**

What does that mean?

"No idea. Just keep it moving."

**[PRISONERS]**

**Look down, look down**

**Don't look 'em in the eye**

**[CONVICT FIVE/Colin]**

**How long, oh Lord**

**Before you let me die?**

" A year."

"Crap. Two?"

"No. You die at the battle."

"Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about that."

"Wait-how do you know?"

"Oh everybody knows that."

"Why, I mean-how?"

"Fred and George told us, at the Harry Potter Final Book Party."

"The WHAT?"

"Errr...nevermind"

"Thats-thats-"

_"Illegal."_

"Thanks, Hermione."

I was very, very upset. They had warned me NEVER to let on the characters futures, because it would mess up the plot. But if Fred and George had let all spill, how could anything happen the way it was supposed to? I knew one thing though-I was going to be in big, big trouble with Dumbledore and Kingsley.

**[PRISONERS]**

**Look down, look down,**

**You'll always be a slave**

**Look down, look down,**

**You're standing in your grave**

**[SNAPE]**

**Now bring me prisoner 24601**

**Your time is up**

**And your parole's begun**

**You know what that means.**

**[Sirius]**

**Yes, it means I'm free.**

This Valjean guy is an idiot.

"No he's not."

"Yes, he is."

"STOP IT!"

**[SNAPE]**

**No!**

**It means you get**

**Your yellow ticket-of-leave**

**You are a thief**

Yes you are, you stole gurdy root from me ten long years ago

"NO!"

"Yes you did, you dunderhead."

"Hey!"

Snape pulled out his wand, and so did Sirius. They began circling each other menacingly. All the convicts began to chant

" Fight, Fight!"

I groaned. I knew this wasn't a good idea, but we couldn't have the two main characters get into a fistfight.

"Guys please.."

"I'll get you, Snivillouse."

"I am the lawr, and the lawr is _not_ mocked."

"You're not Philip Quast."

"Oh yeah- you aren't Colm Wilkinson."

"Well-"

"Please, Sirius. Not now."

"Fine. We'll settle this later. In the confrontation.

**[SIRIUS**

I was falsely accused! Er.. i mean,

**I stole a loaf of bread.**

**[SNAPE]**

"You are a death eater. Well, no you're not. I am. So is Wormtail. I mean..

**You robbed a house.**

**[SIRIUS]**

**I broke a windowpane.**

Yeah, I did. With a quaffle in the-never mind."

**My sister's child was close to death**

**And we were starving.**

**[SNAPE]**

**You will starve again**

That's a good idea.

**Unless you learn the meaning of the law.**

I mean, Lawr.

**[SIRIUS]**

**I know the meaning of those 19 years**

13, actually, but whose counting?

**A slave of the law**

**[SNAPE]**

**Five years for what you did**

**The rest because you tried to run**

**Yes, 24601.**

**[SIRIUS]**

**My name is Jean Valjean**

Sirius Black!

**[SNAPE]**

**And I am Snape!**

**Do not forget my name!**

**Do not forget me,**

**24601.**

"Hey," said Snape. "24601 don't rhyme with my name. Can we use 24608?"

"No. You've ruined this enough already. Just get moving.

**[PRISONERS]**

**Look down, look down**

**You'll always be a slave**

**Look down, look down**

**You're standing in your grave.**

**[Sirius]**

**Freedom is mine. **_"_Not really."

**The earth is still.**

But its turning. Through the years. Oh well.

**I feel the wind. I breathe again.**

I've always been able to breathe. This is silly.

"Just sing it." I growled.

**And the sky clears**

**The world is waking.**

**Drink from the pool. How clean the taste.**

Actually, it tastes like pesticides. Yuck.

**Never forget the years, the waste.**

**Nor forgive them**

**For what they've done.**

**They are the guilty - everyone.**

_"Ohhhh look- a wrakspurt!"_

Nobody listened to her. We were all to used to Luna.

**The day begins...**

**And now lets see**

**What this muggle world**

**Will do for me!**

**[He finds work on a farm]**

"Why a farm? Can't I find work at Hogwarts?"

"No way. Ruins the plotline."

"But then we can have all the ghosts do a number."

"No."

"But-"

"Move on. Start, Ernie."

**[FARMER]**

**You'll have to go**

**I'll pay you off for the day**

**Collect your bits and pieces there**

**And be on your way.**

You heard me! Get gone!

**[VALJEAN]**

**You have given me half**

**What the other men get!**

**This handful of tin**

**Wouldn't buy my sweat!**

Why would you want to buy sweat?

**[LABORER]**

**You broke the law**

**It's there for people to see**

**Why should you get the same**

**As honest men like me?**

**[SIRIUS]**

You aren't honest, you scum. Err, I mean:

**Now every door is closed to me**

**Another jail. Another key. Another chain**

**For when I come to any town**

**They check my papers-**

I should chuck those papers. I'm such an idiot.

**And they find the mark of Cain**

**In their eyes I see their fear**

**`We do not want you here.'**

We should change it to 'in their minds'. I'll bet Valjean is good at legilimency.

" But he's a MUGGLE, Sirius."

"So?"

"Just move on. We have tons to do today."

**[He comes to an inn]**

**[INKEEPER'S WIFE]**

**My rooms are full**

**And I've no supper to spare**

**I'd like to help a stranger**

**All we want is to be fair- "**But I'm not. Oh well."

Sirius drew his wand menacingly. "Give me dinner, you slattern."

Emma shrieked, and flung the cauldron at him. It missed.

"Don't curse me! NO! Help, Police! Javert, help"

"_Sirius._ You're a muggle. No wands. And that's not in the script."

"But-"

"Moving on, please."

**[VALJEAN]**

**I will pay in advance**

**I can sleep in a barn**

**You see how dark it is**

**I'm not some kind of dog-**

Actually, I AM a dog. I can transform if you want.

"No. Honestly Sirius, if you don't stop fooling around, I will hex you."

"But I AM a dog!"

**[INNKEEPER]**

**You leave my house**

**Or feel the weight of my rod**

**We're law-abiding people here**

**Thanks be to God.**

**[They throw him out of the inn]**

"Hey! That's not nice. Maybe I will become a dog. Then people pet you."

**[VALJEAN]**

**And now I know how freedom feels**

**The jailer-**Well, innkeeper, actually-** always at your heels**

**It is the law!**

**This piece of paper in my hand**

**That makes me cursed throughout the land-**

Told you I should chuck it away.

**It is the law!**

**Like a cur**

**I walk the street,**

**The dirt beneath their feet.**

**[He sits down despairingly outside a house from which emerges the Bishop of Digne.]**

**[BISHOP/Lupin]**

**Come in, Sirius, for you are weary,**

**And the night is cold out there.**

**Though our lives are very humble**

**What we have, we have to share.**

**There is wine here to revive you.**

**There is bread to make you strong,**

**There's a bed to rest till morning,**

**Rest from pain, and rest from wrong.**

**[VALJEAN]**

**He let me eat my fill**

**I had the lion's share**

Yeah! like a real Gryffindor!

**The silver horcrux in my hand**

**Cost twice what I had earned**

**In all those nineteen years -**

**That lifetime of despair**

**And yet he trusted me.**

**The old fool trusted me –**

Sorry, Remus. Don't mean it.

"We know."

**He'd done his bit of good**

Well, more then a bit, really.

**I played the grateful serf**

**And thanked him like I should**

Oh yeah-thanks, Lupin.

"Bishop."

"Oh yeah, him to."

**But when the house was still,**

**I got up in the night.**

**Took the silver**

**Took my flight!**

On a broom?

"No."

"Can I?"

"No way."

"But I'm a good flyer."

"BUT VALJEAN IS A MUGGLE."

**[Taking the silver cup of Ravenclaw, he runs off, but is brought back by two constables]**

Finally. Thank god that's over. That was terrible, worse then Miss Saigon. _Why_ did they persist in ruining the lyrics?

The cast straggled of to the sides, talking in loud voices.

I decided that now was the time to have a much needed little talk with the cast.

"Look guys." I said, as they all went to get water bottles, joking and laughing.

" We can't keep messing up the lyrics. Really talented people wrote them, and we should respect that. Also, we don't have the copywrite, its technically illegal to change it all up"

George and Fred grinned at each other. "Cool!" They said in unison.

" We have to go by what it says in our scripts, and that is final. Get it?"

"No."

"Yes you do. What is it, Ginny?"

"Andy, does this mean Cosette can't hex Eponine?"

" Oh yeah, about that. The characters are muggles, guys. They can't fly, turn into dogs, or use magic. No hexing, AT ALL. That goes for everybody, do you hear me? They are muggles."

" Mudbloods."

"I heard that, Malfoy. Detention!"

" My father will hear about this! You can't punish me, you traitor. You betrayed my family, the most noble house of-"

"Say hi to Cissy for me."

"Never."

"Fine, whatever. So-muggles. Got it?"

Hermione flipped her hair. "Like me." She said.

"Exactly. If anybody has any questions, ask Harry, Hermione, or another muggle born."

"Mudblood."

" Can it Malfoy."

"Traitor." He smirked at me. I decided to ignore him.

"Get it?"

"Yes. Said everybody. "We get it."

"Ok. Five minuet break, then we'll start the next song."

I went and sat down in a corner. I was regretting this decision more and more as the days went on. This was a theatrical nightmare. Truly it was. And we still had most of the show to go…


	3. The bishop and a surprise ending

Day three of rehearsals, and I was still not convinced that anything good could come of this. The cast was all huddled around the large table in the corner, with scripts and quills, and Sirius, Harry and James were dictating something in very low voices, every once and a while casting furtive glances over to were I was sitting. I was certain that they were mauling the script, but I decided that that was nothing, compared with my current problems. Which meant the Thenardiers. I mean, the casting of aforsaid. As the day had worn on, I was certain that far from being accepting of the last two cast members; they might just rebel, a la Enjolras, with a bayonet or a barricade. Or a hex, actually. And that was something I knew we'd all want to avoid. What had I been thinking, asking her to be Madame Thenardier? Was I insane? No, she was certainly the insane one. Why had she even agreed? We hadn't spoken in years. I hoped that this wouldn't end in a real massacre. I had told her to bring him along to be her husband, knowing that at least Lupin would be happyish, even if she wasn't, but from the way she'd smirked at me before disappparating, I wondered if she'd really pass it on to him. The noise from the table peaked an all time high, and I knew it was time to begin the next rehearsal.

"Alrighty everybody, shut up and get over here. For the next scene, we'll need Michal, Dean, Lupin, and of course Sirius. Bring your scripts please, and-Yes, Hermione? What is it?"

" Can Ginny, Ron, Neville and I go to the library?"

She looked up at me with bright eyes over a stack of books. "We have homework, and it's much to loud in here to get anything done.

"Sure, but be back in three songs. You and Ginny will be factory workers."

"But I thought I was Cosette." Whined Ginny, having no desire to work at making jet beads.

" Yeah, but we need you. So be back in say-fifteen minuets?"

"Sure."

I watched the tree of them go with much trepidation. I had a funny feeling that she- well, not time to dwell on it now. Rehearsal must begin!

"Alright everyone! Lets start with Michal and Dean. Real scrips please, everyone. Ok? Good, lets begin."

**[CONSTABLE ONE]**

**Tell his reverence your story-**

Or don't. I have a feeling he knows it already. Because he's really smart and saintly, and so on.

"Yeah, I am. Thanks for noticing, Dean."

**[CONSTABLE TWO]**

**Let us see if he's impressed**

"Are you?"

"Not at all."

"Told you."

**[CONSTABLE ONE]**

**You were lodging here last night**

And this morning, but whose counting?

**[CONSTABLE TWO]**

**You were the honest Bishop's guest.**

Wait a sec-You're not honest, you liar!

"I'm a bishop, you can't call me names."

"Why not?"

"I'll damn you to hell."

**[CONSTABLE ONE]**

**And then, out of Christian goodness**

"Hey- I'm an atheist."

"So?"

"So-its not 'Christian goodness'"

"Oh yeah- ok then.

"So then out of atheism goodness,"

**[CONSTABLE TWO]**

**When he learned about your plight-**from me.

**[CONSTABLE ONE]**

**You maintain he made a present of this silver.**

"Its acutely tinfoil. Shh, don't tell."

"I won't."

"It's a _prop._" I moaned. "So it doesn't matter." This was a nightmare, a scandal.

**[BISHOP]**

**That is right.**

**But my friend you left so early**

"Well, late really. Depends how you think about it."

"No, I think he left after dawn."

" Nope. I left on the first strike of midnight."

"Well, either way-

**Surely something slipped your mind**

**[The bishop gives Valjean two silver candlesticks]**

Here you go, mate.

"Whoa! Thanks Bishop."

**You forgot I gave these also**

**Would you leave the best behind?**

"I prefer the plates, in all honesty."

"Yeah, me to."

**So, Messieurs, you may release him**-That

Doesn't mean punch him, Dean.

"Sorry."

**For this man has spoken true**

(Not really. He's a lying git.)

**I commend you for your duty**

**And God's blessing go with you.**

"Or not. There is no God."

"There is in_ this_ show."

"That means get of stage, Dean."

"Sorry."

"Ok-continue."

**But remember this, my brother**

Er-my good friend.

**See in this some higher plan**

**You must use this precious silver**-

Tinfoil. Sorry, mate.

"That's Ok. I _like_ tinfoil."

"Good."

**To become an honest man**

**By the witness of the martyrs**

Well, the cops, really.

**By the Passion and the Blood**

And the moon.

"Hey! I hate the moon."

"Oh yeah. Sorry Remus."

**God-**

"Well, not God. There is no God."

"Last warning. There is a GOD in Les Mis.

**has raised you out of darkness**

"-So that means into light."

**I have bought your soul for not-God.**

"Alright, transition straight to the soliiquy."

**VALJEAN**

**What have I-**

But we were interrupted by a scream, as Hermione, and Ginny tore into the room, slamming the door behind them. They leaned against it, trembling and panting. We all rushed over.

"Whats the matter?"

"Where's Neville?"

"Where's Ron?"

"AHHH! What happened? I knew this was doomed!"

"What happened?"

"What is it?"

"Is he dead?"

It was Ginny who spoke first.

"She-She's got him."

"Who?"

"Who got him?"

"Do you mean Neville?"

"Or _Ron_?"

"Was it Umbridge?"

"No."

"Miss Norris?"

"No. HER." Ginny glared at me, tears coursing down her voice.

" Her who?" I said, my heart sinking.

_"Where's Ron?"_

"He-He-stayed behind to help-h-him."

"Wait Ginny-who?" I murmured, hoping that it wasn't who I thought it was.

"That witch, that evil, twisted-" she raged. I felt a sinking in my chest. This was exactly what I hadn't wanted to happen. Ginny rambled on and on, but it was Hermione who answered the question echoed on all sides. She lifted a tear stained face, and proclaimed my doom.

"Its-its-its B-Bellatrix Le-Lestrange. She was in the l-library, and SHES GOT NEVILLE!"

At that moment, Ron burst through the door, in to the stunned silence, white faced and trembling.

" ITS HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED! HE'S WITH HER! RUN FOR IT!"

Chaos ensued.

Shit.


	4. A Revelation, Screaming, And a Solo

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Its You-Know-Who!"

"We're all gonna die!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"We're cursed, we're cursed!"

"Save us save us!"

"Javert! Do something! Police!"

"Its Snapes fault!"

"What? No! Detention, lavender!"

"Ahh! I see him, I see him!"

"That's a lamp, you idiot."

" Same thing."

"Not really."

"They're both nose-less!"

" Its Bellatrix! NO, God deliver me!"

"Harry, help us!"

"Where is he, where are they?"

"Ahhhhhh! I hear something at the door!"

"Can they get in here?"

"Duh! They're dark wizards!"

"Run!"

"Where?"

"Err…I dunno?"

It was chaos, everybody running around in absolute panic, wands were out and scripts were flying as the cast screamed in panic. It was a general riot, and it was almost completely my fault. I was going to KILL Bellatrix. Hopefully before she kills us all. Why had I asked her? Was I insane? And why had she brought Voldemort along? That was the worst idea I'd ever heard of. I seriously hoped that he wouldn't be playing Thénardier. That would be a real disaster, because everybody knows that The Dark Lord-although he has a very good voice-was prone to cursing any character that annoyed him. Mainly, all of us. Don't ask me how I know this. The story of Voldemort as Freddie in Chess was too horrific to recount. Just let it be known that that was the last time I'd EVER hold open auditions. Or the last time I'd cast the first person who came along out of sheer terror. The only beam of hope was that if they had this much energy for the fight scene, we'd be ok.

"SHUT UP! THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!"

But all my yelling wasn't calming people down, and it was just a chaotic as before. There was a mad rush towards the back of the room as somebody heard a random sound, and said it was Voldemort.

"Who let Voldemort into Hogwarts?" Somebody yelled. This very, very good question quieted everybody down.

" Yeah, that's a good question."

"Was it Dumbledore?"

"Surely not!"

"But-maybe he's gone bad?"

"Impossible!"

"He's gonna get killed by you soon anyway Snape."

"How dare you insult a teacher, Fred. Detention!"

"What! It's the truth."

"Fred…please, let's keep it in the present OK."

"Sorry, Andromeda."

" Wait-But who did let them in?"

"Err…I did."

"_You did!_ That's impossible! But, you're the director!"

"Wait-" gasped Lee. "I know whats going on here! You-" he pointed at me " You are still a _Black_. You are a spy! A double crosser! You've just been pretending to be with us!"

" You mean like Javert?"

" Uh-huh."

" No, you guys, of course not. I let them in-because, well, they will be playing the Thenardiers."

I was met with silence. Total, shocked, silence that was broken only by the creak as the door opened to reveal a snake-like nose less man with red eyes standing next to a tall, gaunt beauty, with a hollow face and dark, flashing violet eyes.

"Hello _sister_" hissed Bellatrix Lestrange.

" NO!" yelled Harry and Sirius simultaneously.

" SHE KILLED ME!" Yelled Sirius, brandishing his wand at his smirking cousin, anger on his face like a terrible scar. She smiled at him, displaying pointed teeth, tossing a lock of think black hair out of her eyes.

"You _witch_!" he turned on me. "How could you let my _Murderer_-" he spat that word at my feet- " In here?"

"Calm down Sirius. She hasn't killed you yet."

"But I will…..at the very first chance…blood traitor." She hissed, her fingers curling around her wand.

"Why not now then?" asked Draco, sounding genuinely interested.

" Draco, Draco, Draco. My 'Sister' has made me take an unbreakable vow. I can't kill anyone before the book said so. And I can't kill anybody else, either-without a _very_ good reason."

" She made me add the last bit." I mumbled, annoyed, and somewhat ashamed. "So everybody be good."

Harry jumped up, his glasses askew.

"What about me?"

" What _about_ you?"

"He's my arch enemy. He's the antagonist! I can't let him live! We should be dueling, trying to fulfill the prophecy, not performing in a play together."

" I agree." said Voldemort. "Its my job to kill him. This may be my only chance. Due to the annoying fact that I am incapable to kill him-through no fault of my own- I must _carpe horas_."

" No killing." I said. "No dueling." Both Harry and Voldemort groaned, then glared at each other."

"Snaky."

"Four-eyes."

"No-Nose."

" Idiot."

"That's pathetic Voldy."

"Pah!"

"Incompetent fool."

"Orphan!"

"Back at you."

"Half blood."

"How dare you! You idiot half blood, how dare you insult my master!" shrieked Bellatrix, her wand at Harry's throat. The Dark Lord chucked, low and dangerous.

"See Draco, there are still some loyal to us, even if your father is not among them."

"Hey-"

" Can it-_both of you_." I snapped, annoyed. "Bellatrix back off. Thank you. You better be happy with this, cast-and if not, you better do a good job pretending." I glare around at the cast. I did not want any deaths on my toll this time around.

"Now, we'll go straight into the next song. Sirius, ready?"

"No."

"I don't care. And no smartass comments this time."

"What about me?"

"Bellatrix? You can er…study your lines."

"Hey! Give me my-er-never mind."

"Bella! Give Ginny back her script. I'll get you your own. Ready? Ok, lets go!"

With an annoyed expression on his face, Sirius swaggered out into the middle of the room with his script. A smile hinted on his lips as he began to sing.

**[VALJEAN]**

**What has Andromeda done?**

**Sweet Jesus, what has she done?**

**Inviting those death eaters here,**

**Making us all sing in fear**

**And has she fallen so far,**

**And are the rest of us really that terrible**

**That she stoops to hiring death eaters-isn't that horrible?**

**Now they're be cries in the dark that nobody hears,**

**When the death eaters hex us into the turning of the years!**

"Sirius!" I yell, amused and annoyed at the same time. "What was that?"

"The song." He deadpanned.

"No, it most certainly was not." I flipped around the script in his hands, and waved my wand, causing the song to go back to normal. _"Thats_ the song. Now sing it."

"Err- I liked the other version?"

"It was your rude version, and I won't stand for it."

"Sorry?"

"You better be."

"Ok"

"Continue!"

**If there's another way to go**

**I missed it twenty** nineteen** long years ago**

-well, thirteen really.

**My life was a war that could never be won**

But we did! We beat Voldy! Or-we will. In book 7

**They gave me a number and murdered Valjean**

Murdered Sirius black! Except not really.

**When they chained me and left me for dead**

In Azkaban! Lousy beasts!

**Just for stealing a mouthful of bread**

Just for being falsely accused!

**Yet why did I allow that man**

Werewolf! Not man. Not fully.

**To touch my soul and teach me love?**

**He treated me like any other**

Only fair. I was never prejudiced against his 'furry problem'

**He gave me his trust**

**He called me brother!**

He called me a marauder!

**My life he claims for God above**

**Can such things be?**

Can they?

"No."

"Why not?"

"There is no God."

"Will you guys stop with that? It's really disrespectful."

"Sorry."

**For I had come to hate the world**

**This world that always hated me**

They always have. Even my own family.

**Take an eye for an eye!**

**Turn your heart into stone!**

"Or a horcrux" Harry whispered, smirking at Voldemort.

"You shouldn't know about them, Potter!"

"But I do. Read the book."

"That's dishonest."

"So?"

"Its cheating."

"Everybody does it."

"I am the Dark Lord. I am above such nonsense.

"Yeah, but-"

"Harry, er…Mr. He-who-must-not-be-named, I need to sing."

"Sorry."

**This is all I have lived for!**

**This is all I have known!**

**One word from him and I'd be back**

He'd _never_ betray me.

**Beneath the lash, upon the rack**

With the dementors, in a cell. What's a rack?

"A rack is a muggle torture-"

"Thanks Hermione, but I'll tell him later."

**Instead he offers me my freedom**

He's so kind! Thanks Remus!

"You're Welcome. and that's the _Bishop _to you."

**I feel my shame inside me like a-**

Ouch! That hurt, Bellatrix. Andromeda, you sister threw a knife at me."

" BELLA."

"Its in the _script_."

"Yes, but-"

"I killed Sirius black!"

"You did not."

"Crap. Well, I will later."

" Can I continue?"

"By all means _dear cousin_"

**He told me that I have a soul,**

I knew I did! Told you, James.

**How does he know?**

Because he's my BFF!

**What spirit comes to move my life?**

Lupin, duh.

"SHUT UP!"

**Is there another way to go?**

"Is there?"

"Yeah. I'll fire you if you don't can it."

**I am reaching, but I fall**

"Into the table. Ow."

**And the night is closing in**

**And I stare into the void**

**To the whirlpool of my sin**

But I'm innocent!

**I'll escape now from the world**

**From the world of Jean Valjean**

This guy's a loony. Can't he be an animagus?

"No"

"That'll spice things up a bit!"

" It gets better."

"It better get better. Because this is pointless. Can we stop here?"

" Why? You only have two lines."

"Oh"

**Jean Valjean is nothing now**

**Another story must begin!**

"Lets chuck it already! Who hoo! Finally! I hate solos. and this guy is cracked. "

I could see Bellatrix smirking at me, as if to say 'This is your silly little show?'

"Break time everybody!"

_to be continued._


	5. Exploding donuts and Bella breaks down

For a moment, everybody stood around, unsure of what to do, shooting furtive looks at Voldemort and Bellatrix, who stood in the end of the room, pouring over a script and making corrections. From here I could smell that the ink was non-removable. But who was I to tell the most feared wizard and witch in the last century to follow the copyright laws? After a minuet, everybody broke into small groups and began to talk in low voices. Harry, Ron and Hermione were talking about finding the Horcruxes in very loud voices, two feet away from Voldemort. Sirius was reading _The Deathly Hollows _very pointedly, turning pages very noisily, and reading bits of it aloud, especially the bits were Mr. Malfoy, Bellatrix, Voldemort, or death eaters in general were being idiots. Malfoy was looking like he wanted to curse him, and a group of boys had gathered around him, commenting rudely on the action. I rolled my eyes at him, and he shrugged as if to say "What? I'm reading, aren't I?"

Ron broke away from his group and came over to me.

"What is it?"

"I'm hungry."

"You are always hungry, Ron."

"But I want something to eat."

"We don't have anything."

"Well, just conjure it up, then."

I looked around, the raised my voice.

"Who's hungry?"

Nearly everybody raised his or her hands.

"Ok then-room of requirement, get us some food."

Immediately, a very small plate of donuts appeared. Ron stuffed them in to his mouth.

"Mm, thwer gwroofd. Cren I nuff sctroom mruure?" he mumbled with his mouth full.

"You just ate the whole plate."

"Swoworye."

"That's _revolting_ Ron." Scolded Hermione.

"Room, lets have a LOT more donuts." I said, loudly.

Immediately, about thirteen plates of Dunkin Donuts appeared. There was a mad rush as everybody stormed towards the food.

"Give me the last jelly donut Seamus, or I'll give you a detention."

"Hey, you stole my donut!"

"But I don't like Apple Cinnamon!"

"Give me the glazed!"

"Hey, you made me drop it!"

"Wanna trade? I have a chocolate!"

"No-I'm allergic to chocolate."

"Give it back!"

"Mmm!"

Everybody was talking at once, trading donuts and arguing, laughing as they pleaded with their friends for "The last one-please?" crumbs were flying and everybody was quickly getting high on sugar. Only Bellatrix and Emma Dobbs, a tall, thin Ravenclaw were not taking part in the donut-y fun. Even Voldemort was munching on a snake-shaped cinnamon donut. Bellatrix was standing with her arms crossed, mumbling to herself, and texting somebody on a sleek black cell phone with the dark mark on it. Emma Dobbs was having a very loud freak-out that had something to do with calories and peer pressure. Her friends Susan and Padma were hovering around her, alternating between offering soothing advice, and chomping down on super-sized gingerbread donuts with multicolored sprinkles and white icing. To be honest, I didn't think that was helping. In fact, just as I was considering going over there to intervene, She screamed something that sounded very incomprehensible, and ran out of the room, tipping over a plate of donuts as she ran. We all stared after her, shocked. I raised my eyebrows at Susan, who shrugged as if to say, "Well, what can we do? She's nuts." Suddenly, I noticed that there was only one donut on the plate. It was Boston cream pie, my favourite. I plucked it of the plate and demolished it as everybody stared. Well, I was the director.

I swallowed. "Ok-can somebody go get her? We need to start 'at the end of the day'. Who wants to go?"

"I will! Said Susan.

" I-err-don't think that that's the best idea. Lily- can you go, please. " She smiled her assent, green eyes sparkling. " Just be back soon, you're in the next scene to."

"Sure."

After she was gone, I turned back to the cast, just in time to see Fred handing something to Voldemort. Not a good idea, in my opinion. Knowing Fred, it could be anything, and also knowing that Harry was determined to see him dead, it was probably fatal. Not that that was _bad_, but I was loath to let Voldemort die for two reasons. One-It wasn't in the book, naturally, I'd be the one being blamed for this unfaithful-to-the-books disaster, and two-Bellatrix would KILL me. I looked closer. It was another snake-shaped donut. Which I was POSITIVE that there had only been one of. I opened my mouth to warn Voldemort, but before I could, he had bitten in the donut. For a moment, as Voldemort chewed and the twins snickered, nothing happened. Then, after a second of agonizing silence, there was a bang and a cloud of smoke! Flames! Clouds of ash! Screams! The Dark Lord was gone! Harry slapped Fred a jubilant high five, just as a piercing scream rent the air with sorrow.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Bellatrix, throwing herself down on the floor on top of a giant scorch mark. "No! My lord, my lord, my lord…" she raised her face, stained with tears and contorted in anger, and pointed her wand at Fred. "You." She hissed, her voice dangerously low. " You. You killed my master, you killed the Dark Lord! You shall suffer dearly for this! CRUCIO!" Thankfully, though, she was so upset that her spell missed by a thread. The spell instead hit the boom pads, which exploded with enough force to scare most of the cast, and she collapsed in a heap of tears. "Oh my Lord, oh my lord…." To be honest, I was shocked. I had never seem my tough, brutal, fierce older sister cry before. To be honest, it was sort of scary. To be honest, I think we were all scared. We all huddled around the mess of spotlights, watching Bellatrix's wild sobs with wide, terrified eyes. Seeing a famously evil Dark Witch have a breakdown is not something that happened everyday, not even in Hogwarts.

"And I thought I'd seen it all…" murmured George to Harry, with a grin. Harry nodded, not taking his eyes off the phone, with which he was filming Bellatrix. I reached out and slapped the phone out of his hand. It fell to the ground and exploded. To be honest, I was mildly surprised. It had been _years_ since I'd blown something up.

"Not nice, not funny." I snarled at George. "That was NOT a good idea. You have no idea how much-"

At that moment, the door flew open! Standing in the doorway were Lily Potter and a very tear-streaked Emma Dobbs. I saw in an instance, their eyes take in the strange scene. The dark witch, crying and sobbing on the floor, her hair emitting fiery sparks, the huge scorch mark, all of us huddled around the edge of the room. Lily raised her eyebrows at me. I motioned to George with an expression of despair.

"What hap-"

She was interrupted as the door flew open, once again. It was Voldemort. We all gasped. He regarded Bellatrix with thinly veiled disgust. Fred swore, very loudly. Bellatrix look up, and gasped, throwing herself at her lords feet.

"My lord…. Oh My lord…"

"That's enough, Bella." His acid, chilly, voice cut the air like a knife through a donut. She stood shakily, all tears gone from her eyes. He turned to Fred. We all held our breath.

"Good one redhead." He said, giving the twins a thumbs up. Ok. That was NOT how things were supposed to have turned out. Well, name it and it will happen in show biz, that's what they always say. And you just gotta go with it. So I did.

"Alright everybody! Now that Lily and Emma are back, we can start the next song. Places, please!"


	6. Butchered dreams, and an angry Ensemble

I herded everybody into positions, shushing anybody who sniggered at Bellatrix and Voldemort, who were trying to repair the scorch mark on the rug.

"Alright people! We have wasted far too much time on donuts. So The worthless poor - er, the ensemble - begin!"

**[THE POOR - er, ensemble]**

**At the end of the day, you're another day older**

Well duh. That goes without saying.

**And that's all you can say for the life of the poor**

Or the ensemble, which is what our director said.

**It's a struggle, it's a war**

And nobody thinks we can sing!

**And there's nothing that anyone's giving**

-No parts that anyone's giving!

**One more day standing about**

In the wings

**what is it for?**

**One day less to be living.**

I stare at my ensemble. "Guys…. can we please, please keep to the lyrics? I'm sorry I said that, it wasn't meant as an insult, OK. If you feel…er… unnecessary, please don't. There are no small parts, only small actors."

"Easy for you to say." Growled Malfoy, who was obviously behind this whole thing. " And nobody will let me call my father! I should have been Marius." He scowled. Ginny looked daggers at him.

"I will not be in love with him." Said Luna. "Even if all the fanfiction says so." She smiled at him. "Nothing personal."

"OK, thanks Luna. Can we continue?"

**At the end of the day, you're another day colder**

Except its really hot in here. Can we turn the heat down?

**And the shirt on your back doesn't keep out the chill**

**And the righteous**

-We mean the principals-

**hurry past**

**They don't hear the **'worthless ensemble'** crying**

**And the **Performance-** is coming on fast, ready to kill**

**One day nearer to dying!**

**At the end of the day, there's another day dawning**

**And the sun in the morning is waiting to rise**

**Like the waves crash on the sand**

**Like a storm that'll break any second**

**There's a hunger in the land**

**There's a reckoning still to be reckoned and**

**There's gonna be hell to pay**

That means you, Fantine!

**At the end of the day!**

**[The foreman and workers, including Fantine, emerge from the factory]**

**[FOREMAN/Ron]**

**At the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing**

**Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread**

Or cheese. Or cake. Life sucks.

**[WORKER ONE]**

**There are children back at home**

But I don't want a family!

**[WORKERS ONE AND TWO]**

**And the children have got to be fed**

I agree. To much responsibility.

"Yeah. We have to feed them."

"This really sucks."

**[WORKER TWO]**

**And you're lucky to be in a job**

But I hate this job. I t doesn't even pay a dollar an hour!

"I know. I need to support my illegitimate child, Cosette."

**[WOMAN]**

**And in a bed!**

Ohhhh.

**[WORKERS]**

**And we're counting our blessings!**

"One, two, three, four"

"Five,"

"Nope. Only four."

**[WOMAN TWO]**

**Have you seen how the foreman is fuming today?**

I'll bet it's got something to do with Fantine!

**With his terrible breath and his wandering hands?**

I hate that man!

**[WOMAN THREE]**

**It's because little Fantine won't give him his way**

Yeah, you were right, Alicia.

"Told you. Little slut-I don't mean that, Lily."

"Its fine."

"HEY! You called my wife a slut!"

"Its _fine_, James."

**[WOMAN ONE/Hermione]**

**Take a look at his trousers y-**

Oh _ew_. Do I really have to say that? That's revolting!

"Yes, you have to say it."

"I won't."

"But-"

"No."

"Fine. Katie-can you say it?"

"Yeah, sure. She can say my lines."

"Fine."

**[WOMAN ONE/Now Katie Bell]**

**Take a look at his trousers**

**you'll see where he stands!**

See, not that hard, Hermione.

**[WOMAN FOUR-once was Katie, now Hermione]**

**And the boss, he never knows**

**That the foreman is-**

_Oh no_! I don't want to say that either!

"_Hermione!"_

"Sorry! I just can't!"

"Not again."

"Can Alicia do it?"

"Fine. Now, look at your script. What will you say?"

"I'll be woman number three."

"Good."

**WOMAN FOUR-once was Katie, once was Hermione, now is Alicia]**

**And the boss, he never knows**

**That the foreman is always in heat**

Not that hard.

**[WOMAN THREE]**

**If Fantine doesn't look out**

**Watch how she goes**

**She'll be out on the street!**

Ouch! That wasn't very nice of me. Sorry, Lily

"Its fine."

**[WORKERS]**

**At the end of the day, it's another day over**

**With enough in your pocket to last for a week**

Or just a couple days.

**Pay the landlord, pay the shop**

**Keep on grafting as long as you're able**

**Keep on grafting till you drop**

**Or it's back to the crumbs off the table**

**You've got to pay your way**

**At the end of the day!**

**[GIRL (Grabbing a letter from Fantine)]**

**And what have we here, little innocent sister?**

I apologize in advance, Lily. I'm just jealous.

"Really? Of what?"

"Yeah, of your 'golden hair'

"Which I don't really have."

"Yup!"

**Come on Fantine, let's have all the news!**

**[Reading the letter]**

**Ooh..."Dear Fantine you must send us more money...**

**Your child needs a doctor...**

**There's no time to lose..."**

Harry gasped. "Do I need a doctor?" he yelled. "Am I sick? Whats wrong with me! Help!" he ran around in a crazy little circle. I couldn't help myself, I started to laugh. It was just that funny. Lily laughed to, and put a silencing spell on Harry. Bellatrix was taking a cell-phone video as revenge, planning to upload it to YouTube. Voldemort was doubled over in his chair, laughing hysterically, while James Potter was looking confused.

**[FANTINE]**

**Give that letter to me**

**It is none of your business**

Its really not. You shouldn't be so nosy.

**With a husband at home**

**And a bit on the side!**

Sorry! That wasn't very nice! But you sort of deserved it. I bet I'll get fired now. Thanks a lot.

**Is there anyone here**

**Who can swear before God**

**She has nothing to fear?**

**She has nothing to hide?**

**[They fight over the letter. Valjean (M. Madeleine) rushes on to break up the squabble.]**

**[VALJEAN]**

**Will someone tear these two apart**

**What is this fighting all about?**

Its against the rules, you curs!

**This is a factory, not a circus!**

Oh. To bad.

**Now, come on ladies, settle down**

**I run a business of repute**

**I am the Mayor of this town**

I am?

"Yup."

"Wow, I've done quite well for myself."

**[To the foreman]**

**I look to you to sort this out**

**And be as patient as you can-**

Somehow I think that isn't going to happen….

**[He goes back into the factory]**

**[FOREMAN]**

**Now someone say how this began!**

**[Valjean Comes back out of the factory]**

"Don't interrupt me, lowly servant."

"Yes, your highness.

**[jean Valjean goes back in, annoyed.]**

**[GIRL]**

**At the end of the day**

**She's the one who began it!**

**There's a kid that she's hiding**

"You snitch!"

"Sorry."

"You better be!"

**In some little town**

"Called Montfermeil"

**There's a man she has to pay**

"Called Thénardier."

**You can guess how she picks up the extra**

**You can bet she's earning her keep**

**Sleeping around**

"I don't! I swear!"

**And the boss wouldn't like it!**

**[FANTINE]**

**Yes it's true there's a child**

named Cosette.

**And the child is my daughter**

Well Duh.

**And her father abandoned us**

Son of a bitch! I hate him!

"HEY!"

"Not you James, Felix."

"Oh…I get it now."

**Leaving us flat**

**Now she lives with an innkeeper man**

**And his wife**

They are terrible! They mistreat her so much!

**And I pay for the child**

Way to much money.

**What's the matter with that?**

**[WOMEN]**

A lot.

**At the end of the day**

**She'll be nothing but trouble**

**And there's trouble for all**

**When there's trouble for one!**

**While we're earning our daily bread**

**She's the one with her hands in the butter**

**You must send the slut away**

Sorry, Lily! That was really, really, rude.

"And ironic."

"Yeah, that to."

**Or we're all gonna end in the gutter**

That's a bit overreacting, don't you think?

**And it's us who'll have to pay**

**At the end of the day!**

**[FOREMAN/George]**

**I might have known the bitch could bite**

Sorry Lily!

**I might have known the cat had claws**

**I might have guessed your little secret**

**Ah yes, the virtuous Fantine**

"But I AM!"

"What?"

"Virtuous."

"Oh yeah…right, what about Felix."

"'It was a first love, a pure love-'"

"Don't quote the book."

"Well-"

**Who keeps herself so pure and clean**

**You'd be the cause I had no doubt**

**Of any trouble hereabout**

**You play a virgin in the light**

**But need no urgin' in the night.**

Oh. Sorry, Lily. I really am! Truly!"

**[GIRL]**

**She's been laughing at you**

**While she's having her men**

"HEY!"

"Sorry lily."

**[WOMEN]**

**She'll be nothing but trouble again and again**

**[WOMAN]**

**You must sack her today**

**[WORKERS]**

**Sack the girl today!**

**[FOREMAN]**

**Right my girl. On your way!**

You heard me! On your way! Out.

"Phoey."

**[FANTINE]**

**There was a time when men were kind,**

Well, James always was.

**And their voices were soft,**

And I couldn't hear them…

**And their words inviting.**

**There was a time when love was blind,**

It's never blind. There's always a catch…Don't look at me like that, Snape!

**And the world was a song,**

You mean like this one?

**And the song was exciting.**

Oh. Not like this, then,

**There was a time when it all went wrong...**

Yeah. I agree. I hate this song.

**I dreamed a dream in time gone by,**

**When hope was high and life, worth living.**

Do you mean hope was high on drugs? Because that would just be weird.

**I dreamed that love would never die,**

-Don't worry James- I still love you.

"Good."

**I dreamed that God would be forgiving.**

**Then I was young and unafraid,**

Except of He-Who-must-not-be-named

**And dreams were made and used and wasted.**

He killed me! HE KILLED MY DREAM OF A FAMILY!

**There was no ransom to be paid,**

Except when they kidnapped harry. That sucked.

"That never happened."

"Oh. Yeah. Just a fanfiction I read, sorry."

**No song unsung, no wine, untasted.**

I've never like wine.

**But the tigers come at night,**

I mean, then Voldemort came at night

**With their voices soft as thunder,**

**As they tear your hope apart,**

And he killed me and my James..

**And they turn your dream to shame. -**and death-eth-e-e-eth-EH (Big high note I can't hit!)"

**He slept a summer by my side,**

Well, more then that. We were married in June…

**He filled my days with endless wonder...**

And annoyance.

"HEY!"

"Sorry, dear."

**He took my childhood in his stride,**

I think he was actually my age. But really immature.

**But he was gone when autumn came!**

Yeah, because Voldemort killed him.

**And still I dream he'll come to me,**

On his broom

**That we will live the years together,**

With our darling son Ha-ar-ar-ry

**But there are dreams that cannot be,**

**And there are storms we cannot weather!**

It was storming that Halloween…

**I had a dream my life would be**

Fun. Enjoyable. But its not.

**So different from this hell I'm living,**

I'm in heaven, actually. With James.

**So different now from what it seemed...**

**Now life has killed-**

I mean, Voldemort has killed

**The dream I dreamed...**

The music petered out as Lily sank to the ground.

"Nice job!"

"Thanks, Andy."

"Great!"

"Thank you, James."

Hermione ran up to me.

"Is Lovely Ladies next?"

"Yup."

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"Oh no you don't."

"I-"

"Is this about being a whore?"

She nodded. "Well, how about you and I go have a little chat. Come on."

We went to the broom closet. As we left, I could hear Lily say

"I don't think I can do this."

"Oh yes you can."

"I suck!"

"NO you don't.."

"Yes I do. I'll never make it on Broadway!"

"Who said anything about Broadway? You're British! you should be aiming for the west-"

However, the door closed before I could hear anything more.


	7. Donuts, Murder, and some lovely ladies

So Hermione and I had a nice little chat in the closet, and we decided that she could stage manage instead, and still get extra credit. Then we had to calm down Lily, who was having a major panic attack. All in all, it was a half hour before anybody was ready to start again.

However, just as I opened my mouth to call the cast to order, I caught a glimpse of another familiar scene replaying in front of me, except vise versa. In slow motion, I saw Malfoy take the lion-shaped donut from Voldemort, and give it to a little first year girl, who in turn handed in to Harry Potter, with a charming smile. Before I could scream out a warning, Harry had bitten of the lion's head, the golden lions head. There was an endless second of silence, and then the boom, a scram, and a cloud of smoke that blinded us all. Through it, we could hear the triumphant laughter, the high cold mirthless laugh and her mad cackle tinged with insanity.

"My Lord…My lord..." again, it was Bella, who spoke, but this time her voice was peaked in joy, and when the smoke cleared, we could see her as she knelt before her lord, her hands clasped, dark violet eyes raised. "My lord, oh my lord." His eyes swept around us, silent as we were in shook.

"You see," and his voice was chilly, hard, but no warmer in victory. "I have killed the boy who lived-with a _donut._" Cries echoed around the room as Harry failed to reappear. "You see, I am not so incompetent, I have killed him!" Bellatrix shrieked with laughter at her lord victory, but was drowned out by the cries from the rest of the cast.

"No!"

"How could you!"

"Not Harry!"

"My Son! Oh god, no!"

"How can this be?"

"What does this mean?"

"It isn't." said a low voice. As one body, we all turned. There stood Harry, unscathed and very much alive.

"Harry!"

"Oh god! Harry!"

"You're alive!"

"Of course I am." Said Harry. " It will take more then a donut to kill me, Voldemort."

"You dare! You dare speak his name! You dare! The dark lord-"

"Yes., I am victorious again." Harry cut neatly against the estranged witches cries.

"Noo!" cried Voldemort. "Foiled again!" he went to a conveniently located window, and shook his fists into the night. " He has foiled me again! I am ruined, ruined! I, who have worked for years…."

We let him get on with his little soliloquy, and everybody gathered around me, for I had an announcement.

" All right everybody-oh, err-nice going, Harry."

"Thanks Andy."

"Right. Well, in light of current situations-" I glanced at the still-ranting Dark Lord "- I have decided we need to practice on a stage."

Everybody was very excited for this, mostly Fred and George. I directed them into the little side door, and we entered into a large theatre. For a while, it was pandemonium.

"Whoa! Look at the lighting booth!"

"Ooh- we can do projections!"

"Cool-it's the mike system!"

"Do I get a mike?"

"Dunno."

"Lets open the curtains!"

"Yeah!"

"Can we go backstage?"

"Its so big!"

"Hey, come here, look at the trapdoor!"

"Oh that's so cool! Can we go down?"

"I don't see why not."

"No!" I called, alarmed, and decided to call everyone to order. With Hermione's help, everyone in 'Lovely Ladies' was onstage, everybody else in the front couple rows, eating Ruffles and Chocolate frogs, watching Spamalot on Deans laptop.

"Lets go!" I call, and after a bit of prodding, everybody was ready.

[The docks. Sailors, whores and their customers, pimps, etc. Fantine wanders in]

**[SAILOR ONE]**

**I smell women**

**Smell 'em in the air**

**Think I'll drop my anchor**

**In that harbor over there**

Wait. Are we on a ship?

"I think so…maybe."

"Ok."

"Can I row?"

"It's a sailboat, I'll bet, because its got a mast, and no oars."

"Crap."

**[SAILOR TWO]**

**Lovely ladies**

**Smell 'em through the smoke**

What smoke? Is there a fire?

"FIRE! FIRE!"

"Where?"

"Fire? Where? Was it Fred?"

"Fire?"

"Nowhere, I was just demonstrating the misuse of free speech."

**Seven days at sea**

Ooh, I'm seasick.

**Can make you hungry for a poke**

**[SAILOR THREE]**

**Even stokers need a little stoke!**

Ew.

**[WOMEN]**

**Lovely ladies**

**Waiting for a bite**

But not from a sparkly vampire!

"Like that idiot Edward Cullen."

**Waiting for the customers**

**Who only come at night**

Well, what do we do during the day?

"Learn magic."

**Lovely ladies**

**Ready for the call**

Just whistle, anyone can whistle.

**Standing up or lying down**

**Or any way at all**

**Bargain prices up against the wall**

**[OLD WOMAN]**

**Come here, my dear**

Over here, to stage left..

**Let's see this trinket you wear**

**This bagatelle...**

Wow, it so pretty! Is it diamond?

**[FANTINE]**

It's a crappy stage prop, but if you want it..

**Madame, I'll sell it to you...**

**[OLD WOMAN]**

**I'll give you four**

**[FANTINE]**

Four what?

"Francs."

"I'll take galleons."

**That wouldn't pay for the chain!**

Well, I'll bet it would. I think it's coming apart, actually. I think its made of plaster and tape..

**[OLD WOMAN]**

In that case..

**I'll give you five. You're far to eager to sell.**

Suspicious, actually. Is it cursed?

"No."

"Is it meant to kill Dumbledore?"

"No."

"Is it a horcrux?"

"NO!"

**It's up to you.**

Not really, though. Its in the script, I have no choice.

**[FANTINE]**

**It's all I have**

**[OLD WOMAN]**

**That's not my fault**

I didn't write it, take up any complaints with the French dudes.

**[FANTINE]**

"So? It was that stupid mayors fault. I told them-Sirius makes a BAD mayor. He's too irresponsible."

"HEY! I am too responsible. Where's my script?"

**[OLD WOMAN]**

**No more than five**

**My dear, we all must stay alive!**

Wait-i'm not sure I want it, it's crumbling to pieces!

" Not my problem. Now I have to go send this money to my illegitimate daughter, Harry- I mean, Cosette."

"Adios-wait-you have an illegitimate daughter? Ha ha!"

"Not fair, or funny. Victor Hugo forced me."

**[WOMEN]**

**Lovely ladies**

**Waiting in the dark**

Oh No! I can't see!

**Ready for a thick one**

**Or a quick one in the park**

Behind a tree, I guess.

**Whore 1**

**Long time short time**

**Any time,**

-Except while I'm singing-

**My dear**

Because I take my career very seriously.

**Cost a little extra if you want to take all year!**

But I'd rather you didn't.

**[ALL]**

**Quick and cheap is underneath the pier!**

**[CRONE]**

**What pretty hair!**

It's so soft, and it smells good

**What pretty locks you got there**

**What luck you got.**

God, why does this penniless ex-factory worker get all the luck?

"Because if I'm pretty the audience will side with me."

"Makes sense, I guess. I'd want them to side with me. It gets so lonely in the wings...

**It's worth a centime, my dear**

**I'll take the lot**

Let me shear it off! *Brandishes razor* my right arm is complete again!

"Ahh! Javert! Help me, Javert!"

"Tell me quickly whats the story?"

"He threatened me with a-wait, its Sweeny Todd!"

" Him again! Sweeny-you're deported."

"Shoot, not again."

"Ha-ha."

"Wait! My wife! What of Lucy?"

"She's on her own. I guess she'll go mad."

"Noo! I'll go nuts to now!"

"Take him away!"

*Gets dragged away by the judge.*

**[FANTINE]**

**Don't touch me! Leave me alone!**

Get that razor away from me!

**[CRONE]**

**Let's make a price.**

**I'll give you all of ten francs,**

**Just think of that!**

**[FANTINE]**

**It pays a debt**

If I don't pay, they'll throw her out. And I'd rather not sell my teeth…

**[CRONE]**

**Just think of that**

**[FANTINE]**

**What can I do? It pays a debt.**

**Ten francs may save my poor Cosette!**

My little daughter… My son Harry...

**[SAILOR THREE]**

**Lovely lady!**

**Fastest on the street**

**Wasn't there three minutes**

**She was back up on her feet**

**[SAILOR ONE]**

**Lovely lady!**

**What yer waiting for?**

**Doesn't take a lot of savvy**

**Just to be a whore**

"Little you know, you old-"

"Can it, you tart."

**Come on then, lady**

**What's a lady for?**

**[Fantine re-emerges, her long hair cut short]**

"My hair! Woe on me! My one beauty! Ohh, I hate this wig!"

**[PIMP]**

**Give me the dirt, who's that bit over there?**

Ya know, the one with the ugly wig.

**[WHORE ONE]**

Oh her? That's the lead, Fantine.

**A bit of skirt. She's the one sold her hair.**

**[WHORE TWO]**

**She's got a kid. Sends her all that she can**

**[PIMP]**

**I might have known**

**There is always some man**

**Lovely lady, come along and join us!**

**Lovely lady!**

**[WHORE ONE]**

**Come on dearie, why all the fuss?**

You got no pride anyway!

"Yes I do!"

"Hmm."

"Hey!"

"Well, you must need money."

"I do…"

"Well then-"

**You're no grander than the rest of us**

**Life has dropped you at the bottom of the heap**

**Join your sisters**

**[WHORE TWO]**

**Make money in your sleep!**

"That's disgusting!"

"It earns you a living…"

"Well, I guess so.."

"You need money, right?"

"For my kid."

"Then go!"

**[Fantine goes off with one of the sailors]**

**[WHORE ONE]**

**That's right dearie, let him have the lot**

I hope she doesn't take my men…the competition is on! Who will be Miss Saigon?

**[WHORE THREE]**

Good point.

**That's right dearie, show him what you've got!**

**[WOMEN]**

**Old men, young men, take 'em as they come**

Or shove 'em away!

**Harbor rats and alley cats**

Really? Cats?

"No, of course not."

"Are you sure?"

"Err.."

"Knew it! we bed CATS!"

"That's_ revolting_!"

**and every kind of scum**

**Poor men, rich men,**

They're the best, they got purses to steal.

**leaders of the land**

**See them with their trousers off they're never quite as grand**

They're all the same under there.

**All it takes is money in your hand!**

**Lovely ladies**

**Going for a song**

**Got a lot of callers**

**But they never stay for long**

*Cries*

**[FANTINE]**

**Come on, Captain,**

**you can wear your shoes**

**Don't it make a change**

**To have a girl who can't refuse**

But only because I need the money, not because I like you, grease head.

**Easy money**

**Lying on a bed**

Or up against a wall.

**Just as well they never see**

**The hate that's in your head**

If they did, they'd deserve it. God, I hate men

"HEY, what about me?"

"You are a stag, not a man, James."

"Oh yeah…."

**Don't they know they're making love**

**To one already dead!**

or one that will be dead by the end of act one…

**BAMATABOIS (James)**

**(a well dressed gentleman)**

**Here's something new. I think I'll give it a try.**

**Come closer you!**

Yeah, you with no hair!

**I like to see what I buy…**

I already have you, Lily Potter!

**The usual price**

**For just one slice of your pie.**

"Ew! James!"

" Sorry dear."

**FANTINE**

**I don't want you.**

I mean, darling husband, don't buy me!

**No, no m'sieur, let me go.**

Let me go, I say!

**BAMATABOIS**

**Is this a trick? I won't pay more.**

You cost far too much already..

**FANTINE**

**No, not at all.**

Just leave, I hate you! (not really, James)

**BAMATABOIS**

**You've got some nerve, you little whore,**

Sorry, Lily, I don't mean that!

**You've got some gall.**

**It's the same with a tart**

Or that! I swear-don't divorce me!

**As it is with a grocer**

**The customer sees what he gets in advance**

Wow, I'm really rude in this.

"Like in real life, James."

"Not funny Sirius."

"I'm the mayor-you have to listin to me!"

**It's not for the whore to say "yes sir" or "no sir"**

**Not for the harlot to pick or to chose**

**Or to lead me a dance!**

**FANTINE**

**I'll kill you, you bastard, try any of that!**

I won't _really_ kill you, so don't look at me like that!

**Even a whore who has gone to the bad**

**Won't be had by a rat!**

That's what I used to say before I fell in love with you…I'm not sure what happened.

"Me neither." Muttered Snape.

**BAMATABOIS**

**By Christ, you'll pay for what you've done**

You ruined my hat! The one you got me last Christmas!

"Sorry! Sorry!"

**This rat will make you bleed you'll see!**

I'll use that bloody Secrensemptra spell if you annoy me! (Not really, Lily, I promise! I didn't mean that.)

**I guarantee, I'll make you suffer**

**For this disturbance of the peace**

**For this insult to life and property!**

**FANTINE**

**I beg you, don't report me sir**

Please, James, don't report me. If you do, I'll-I'll-I'll

"You'll what?"

"Report you as an unregistered amimagus!"

"No! you wouldn't. would you?"

"If its a threat to my Harry-er, Cosette"

**I'll do what ever you may want...**

"Well. Not 'whatever', it has to be within reason

**BAMATABOIS**

**Make your excuse to the police!**

"Not Javert! No! Not Snape!"

**JAVERT (Snape)**

**Tell me quickly what's the story**

**Who saw what and why and where?**

Did you abuse Lily Evens, you scum? You'll be punished!

**Let him give a full description**

What did you do to her?

**Let him answer to Javert!**

And to Snape!

**In this nest of whores and vipers**

Not you, Lily, never you!

**Let one speak who saw it all.**

**Who laid hands on this good man here?**

Wait a second-whose side am I on?

"His."

"Never! I'll support lily to the end!"

"But Javert must arrest her!"

"I'll never arrest her! She is my love!"

"You must!"

"No!"

"Well- Valjean steps in and saves the day, so you don't arrest her. "

"Fine. This sucks, all I wanted was to be Eponine. Oh-Nothing ever goes my way!"

**What's the substance of this brawl?**

**BAMATABOIS**

**Javert, would you believe it**

**I was crossing from the park**

Well, not really, but I don't want to tell you what really happened.

"I'll bet you don't."

**When this prostitute attacked me**

**You can see she left her mark.**

"No! I'm innocent, I swear!"

**JAVERT**

**She will answer for her actions**

**When you make a full report.**

Where is Valjean? I'm gonna have to arrest her now. Dang it all!

**You can rest assured, M'sieur**

**That she will answer to the court.**

No she won't-not if I can help it!

**FANTINE**

**There's a child who sorely needs me**

My little Harry-

"What? What about me? Am I sick again? Noooooo!"

"I meant Cosette."

"Oh her, my little half sister."

"_Sure_ Harry, whatever you say.

**Please M'sieur, she's but "that high"**

Up to here, see? She's so weak and little!

**Holy God, is there no mercy?**

**If I go to jail she'll die!**

No, I won't go.! Not to Askaban!

**JAVERT**

**I have heard such protestation**

**Every day for twenty years.**

But I love you Lily, I'd never send you to jail!

**Lets have no more explanations,**

Just let Valjean in to save you, if I can't.

**Save your breath and save your tears**

**"Honest work. Just reward. That's the way to please the Lord."**

I am the lawr and the lawr is not mocked.

**VALJEAN (emerging from the crowd)**

"Finally!"

**A moment of your time, Javert**

You greasy worm, picking on my BFFs wife.

"I wasn't!"

**I do believe this woman's tale.**

**JAVERT**

**But, M'sieur Mayor!**

**VALJEAN**

**You've done your duty**

**Let her be**

**She needs a doctor, not a jail**

She's gonna die, you can't send her to Azkaban.

**JAVERT**

**But, M'sieur Mayor!**

Again, I'd _never_ arrest her!

**FANTINE**

**Can this be?**

Its Sirius Black, come to save me! That's something I didn't expect.

**VALJEAN**

**Where will she end-**

**This child without a friend?**

Not really a child. And I know where she'll end.

"Where?"

"Dead."

"That's harsh dude."

"But true."

**(to Fantine)**

**I've seen your face before**

Hey-aren't you James's wife?

"Yup. Now get me outta here before you-know-who ends his rant and comes to get me!"

"Sorry, you'll have to go to Peter on that one."

"Nooooooooooo! Harry! Cosette! My babies!"

**Show me some way to help you**

Let me Save you from You-know-who!

**How have you come to grief**

Without the invisibility cloak.

**In such a place as this?**

**FANTINE**

**M'sieur, don't mock me now, I pray**

Its your fault that he killed me!

**It's hard enough I've lost my pride!**

And my son, and husband. Your fault!

**You let your forman send me away**

You let you-know-who find the house!

**Yes you were there and turned aside**

**I never did no wrong!**

All I did was love my husband and support the order!

**VALJEAN**

**Is it true, what I've done?**

Did I really kill you, Lily Potter of the Green Eyes?

**FANTINE**

Yes! Because you let Peter become the Secret Keeper…

**My daughters close to dying...**

**VALJEAN**

I should have known!

**To an innocent sole?**

**FANTINE**

**If there's a God above.**

He'd kill Voldemort!

**VALJEAN**

**If I had only known then.**

You'd be alive, and James to..

**FANTINE**

**He'd let me die instead**

Of Harry.

**VALJEAN**

**In his name, my task has just begun.**

**I will see it done.**

I will!

**JAVERT**

**But, M'sieur Mayor!**

I love her!

**VALJEAN**

**I will see it done!**

I think I said that already…

**JAVERT**

**But, M'sieur Mayor!**

**VALJEAN**

**I will see it done!**

I'm sure I've said that….

**HARRY/VOICE**

**Look out!**

**It's a runaway cart!**

Harry ran on stage, followed by the cart, which wasn't stopping and hitting Colin like it was supposed to. Instead, it kept chasing Harry all around the stage…


	8. Evil carts, Lawrs, and Good Movie News!

…."No! Help!" screamed Harry, as he dashed around the stage, his arms flailing and legs pumping, being chased by the ramshackle cart, which was bumping around over the ruts in the stage, rolling its hardest to keep up with Harry, and growling.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Harry, he leaped over a random red flag, and skidded to avoid the edge. The cart trundled along after him, nipping at his heels and shooting rusty nails at him, which he dodged easily, thanks to a couple years of rigorous Quidich training with Oliver Wood. Everybody watched in amazement, staring at the stage with wide eyes, goggling unashamedly at the spectacle of the Boy Who Lived being chased by a rattletrap wooden cart. Harry, too absorbed in the chase to notice much else, did not spot the movement at the side door, although he was the only one who could have; everybody else was facing him.

"Hit it with a spell!" Hollered Ron, his face flushed. Hermione shot a very annoyed glace at Snape, and mimed setting him on fire. He smirked, and stuck out his tongue at her. Ginny groaned, muttered something that sounded like

"Not again." and buried her flaming head in her arms, peeking out every so often with narrowed brown eyes.

Me? I was seriously considering putting my head in my arms like Ginny, but decided that that wouldn't be very responsible behavior for the director. (LAST time I was being the director, I swear it.) I took a breath, and squinted up at hHarry, who was now dodging small bursts of fire in addition to rusty nails. I pointed my wand at the curtain, which was cheerfully blazing. I muttered a spell, and water shot from my wand, extinguishing the fire. I glanced at Harry, who was shooting stunning spells at the cart, being cheered on by all the male cast members. The girls were all hiding their eyes. I sent a stunning spell and a reducto spell into the fray, but to little avail; the cart persisted relentlessly in chasing Harry, who was sweating profusely, still having to dodge fire and nails, and now scraps of burning wood.

What on earth was going on? I wondered, casting my glance around the room and looking, on a hunch, for a snakey pale face and a mess of black hair. As I suspected, there they were, although my eyes missed them at first. He stood in the wings, unseen to anybody but me, his wand tracing movements in the air, which, I deduced, followed the movement of the cart on the stage. Ah-ha! I directed my wand at the dark lord. "Expelliarmus." He cursed as his wand flew out of his wand, and was caught by a certain black haired which, who handed it back to him before I could confiscate it.

"Hey!" he pointed the wand at me.

" Voldemort,-"

"That the Dark Lord to you, blood traitor."

"Err-fine, whatever. You can't do that."

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Making a cart chase Harry Potter."

"Just another minuet and I would have had him!"

"Well, thank god I stopped you."

"Bah. I almost got him! I came this close, and here I am, foiled again."

"You're going to have to wait to kill him until book seven."

"But that's so far away! I need to do it now, to fulfill the prophecy."

" Not in my theatre you won't. Now go rant out the window or something."

"Fine." He stomped away in a huff, and joined Bellatrix, who was slouching at the back of the room, where she began to talk to him animatedly, no doubt telling him that he'd succeed someday in killing the boy.

I glanced at the stage, and I saw that the cart had fallen on Colin, just like it was supposed to. He grinned and waved at me, and I looked to see that everybody else was ready to begin, the straggling group of ensemble-ers clustered round cart, Sirius in the background flexing his muscles. Harry was shooting daggers at Voldemort, who was pointedly ignoring him. But we didn't really need him for this scene, so if he wanted to huff in a corner, that was OK with me.

"Alright guys, since you're ready-lets start!"

**[VOICES]**

**Look at that!**

**Look at that!**

**It's Monsieur Fauchelevant!**

Who is really Colin Creavy! At least its not Harry.

**Don't approach! Don't go near!**

Or the enchanted cart will hit you too!

**At the risk of your life!**

Because He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named put a curse on it! If you go near it, we'll all die!

**He is caught by the wheel!**

He is caught by the spell!

**Oh, the pitiful man!**

**Stay away, Turn away!**

**There is nothing to do!**

We're not powerful wizards yet.

**There is nothing to do!**

**[VALJEAN]**

I will help you! I am a very powerful wizard.

"Sirius-you do realize that they are muggles, right?"

"Yeah, but its more interesting if I'm some all-powerful wizard who flies in and-"

"Enough, Sirius."

"But, you see, if I could do a spell to save Colin, I needn't get my pants dirty."

"Costume takes care of that."

"Yes but still-"

"Sirius, I'm warning you."

"Fine. But I refuse to get my pants dirty."

**Is there anyone here**

**Who will rescue the man?**

Because I don't want to!

**Who will help me to shoulder**

**The weight of the cart?**

Well, I don't want to, but I have to. It's in the script. And I'd rather not touch a cart that you-know-who enchanted.

**[VOICES]**

**Don't go near him, Mr. Mayor**

**The load is heavy as hell**

Its been enchanted by a dark wizard!

**The old man's a goner for sure**

if the cart doesn't kill him, you-know-who will!

**It'll kill you as well.**

"Fine, if you insist. Windgardium Leviosa. There-problem solved. And _don't_ look at me like that, Andromeda.

**[FAUCHELEVANT]**

**M'sieur le Mayor, I have no words**

**You come from God, you are a saint.**

You saved me from the clutches of you-know-who

**[Javert takes Valjean aside]**

**[JAVERT]**

**Can this be true?**

**I don't believe what I see!**

He did magic! He's not supposed to do that..

**A man your age**

**To be as strong as you are!**

With a wand..

**A mem'ry stirs...**

In my pensive..

**You make me think of a man**

A wizard…

**From years ago**

**A man who broke his parole**

He was in Azkaban and he escaped..

**He disappeared**

He looked a bit like you….

**Forgive me, Sir,**

**I would not dare!**

Well - I sort of am daring.

**[VALJEAN]**

Oh no! He recognizes me! He was my arch enemy-er-prison guard in Azkaban!

**Say what you must**

**Don't leave it there...**

Oh, where's my look alike when I need him?

**[JAVERT]**

**I have only known one other**

**Who can do what you have done**

He was at Hogwarts with me,

**He's a convict from the chain gang**

He a convict from Azkaban

**He's been ten years on the run**

**But he couldn't run forever**

No, not even if he' a dog

**We have found his hideaway**

**And he's just been re-arrested**

By me. Ha-ha, and you said I was incompetent. I am the lawr and the lawr is not mocked.

**And he comes to court today.**

Before the Wizengomat.

**Well, of course he now denies it**

But I'll feed him Veritaserum until he spills.

**You'd expect that of a `con'**

**But he couldn't run forever -**

No, not ever Sirius Black!

**[VALJEAN]**

No! The amazing coincidences of the modern musical! Damn Victor Hugo!

**You say this man denies it all**

Who is this dude anyway?

**And gives no sign of understanding or repentance?**

Well duh. Oh hey - Did you say Peter Pettigrew?

"No - but it is! How'd you guess?"

"Just a hunch."

"He blew up a dozen people."

"Oh my!"

**You say this man is going to trial**

At the ministry? Will Umbridge be there?

**And that's he's sure to be returned**

**To serve his sentence?**

In Azkaban, with the dementors?

**Come to that, can you be sure,**

**That I am not your man?**

Wait - I don't want to provoke him. I shouldn't have said that.

**[JAVERT]**

**I have known the thief for ages**

We were enemies in school.

**Tracked him down through thick and thin**

Watched him down my beaky nose!

**And to make the matter certain**

**There's the brand upon his skin**

Wait - why does he have the brand? I never understood that.

**He will bend, he will break**

He IS Sirius Black! I am sure of it!

**This time there is no mistake.**

God, I really love to tempt fate, huh? I'm just setting myself up for ridicule.

"Ha-ha."

"I am the lawr and the lawr is not mocked.

**[Javert leaves. Valjean is alone]**

**[VALJEAN]**

**He thinks that man is me**

That silly Pettigrew.

**He knew him at a glance!**

That's kind of odd. Peter looks NOTHING like me. I'm so handsome, and he's so….

"Moving on, Sirius. We don't need a lecture on how awesome you are."

**That stranger he has found**

Not a stranger. One of my best friends, actually.

**This man could be my chance!**

To be FREE!

**Why should I save his hide?**

He's jut a mangy rat. A traitor, a lowlife.

**Why should I right this wrong**

I don't care about him, its not my responsibility.

**When I have come so far**

All the way from Toulon. By thestral. Never again…

**And struggled for so long?**

**If I speak, I am condemned.**

To that hell. Azkaban.

**If I stay silent, I am damned!**

Oh well. I mean honestly, who care? This Valjean guy is an idiot.

**I am the master of hundreds of workers.**

I love power…

**They all look to me.**

Because I am awesome.

**How can I abandon them?**

That would just be cruel.

**How would they live**

**If I am not free?**

**If I speak, I am condemned.**

**If I stay silent, I am damned!**

Oh, enough with the damnation. I really, truly, don't care. Surely my fabulous life is more important?

**Who am I?**

Sirius Black. Or jean Valjean. Or Snuffles.

**Can I condemn this man to slavery**

To Azkaban?

**Pretend I do not feel his agony**

From the dementors

**This innocent who bears my face**

He's not innocent, and he looks nothing like me. Javert must be blind. Must be the greasy hair….

"HEY! I WILL HAVE YOU THROWN IN JAIL. I am the lawr and the lawr is NOT MOCKED!"

Will you PLEASE stop saying that?"

"No. It's fun."

**Who goes to judgment in my place**

Before that awful Umbridge..

**Who am I?**

I must have a personality disorder of something. Its fairly obvious that I am John Owen Jones.

**Can I conceal myself for evermore?**

Yup!

**Pretend I'm not the man I was before?**

**And must my name until I die**

**Be no more than an alibi?**

Actually, I find that kinda cool. The fake name. Although Madeleine is a girls name. That rots. Can we change it?

"Absolutely not. Its French."

"So is Fleur, but does that make her a boy?"

" You are making _no_ sense whatsoever."

**Must I lie?**

Its no biggie, Jean. Lying is fun.

**How can I ever face my fellow men?**

Urgh, I am so dis-self-satisfied. THEY WON'T CARE. All men are skiving sneeches. They all lie.

**How can I ever face myself again?**

**My soul belongs to God,**

Nu-uh, it belongs to ME

**I know**

**I made that bargain long ago**

So its rotten by now. Yay! my soul is my own again! on my own…

**He gave me hope when hope was gone**

**He gave me strength to journey on**

Uh-oh. I have a feeling I'm not going to like whats going to happen next…

**[He appears in front of the court]**

Knew it!

**Who am I? Who am I?**

John Owen Jones!

**I am Jean Valjean!**

No! You big headed idiot! What the hell did you do that for? I'm doomed!

**[He unbuttons his shirt to reveal the number tattooed to his chest]**

That's cool! Oh! I like that...

**And so Javert, you see it's true**

You were right.

"YES!" *does victory dance* "I am the LAWR and the LAWR IS NOT MOCKED! I knew it! I knew it! Yay me!"

**That man bears no more guilt than you!**

Maybe he should be in jail then…

**Who am I?**

**24601!**

Sirius looked around with pride on his face. "That was fun." He said. " Although Valjean is a dunderhead. Can I keep the tattoo?"

"No-" I began, but I heard another scream, this time from Ginny, high and girlish. I groaned, and turned around, thinking of Voldemort, or snakes, or a cart or the barricade or a revolutionary's gun. However, it wasn't what I expected, not by far. I spun around to see most of the cast clustered around the laptop. All the girls were shrieking, and clapping each other five, the boys were looking semi embarrassed, but everyone was smiling, and cheering, and hugging one another spontaneously. I tried to ask what was the matter, but nobody heard me over the dim, which was quickly escalating. What had happened? Donuts? Exam results? Quidich finals? A revival of Sweeny in New York? What could it be? I was very confused. I saw lavender hug Hermione, and I knew something was up. I was about to scream something, but then I heard music boom from the laptop, and the girls started to do a conga line, laughing and shrieking in glee. As they danced by me, I pulled on one of them-Padma Patil- and asked her what the heck was going on.

"Haven't you heard?" She said. "They haven't cast Taylor Swift as Eponine after all!"

I gasped! This was amazing!

"Who have the cast?" I asked, praying to the theatre gods that it wasn't Scarlett Johansson.

"Samantha Barks!"

"You mean- she's the one with the dimple that was in I'd Do Anything, and did Eponine at the O2? She's great!"

"Yes! It's so wonderful! Long live the REVOLUTION! LONG LIVE LES MIS!"

"OMIGOD!" I almost screamed, excitement bubbling out inside me. This was the best news ever! It called for Donuts! Maybe there was hope of this movie after all!

"This calls for celebration! And Donuts!"

And true to its name, the room of Requirement produced yummy Les Mis character shaped donuts, fresh butterbeer, and chocolate, and we all pigged out and listened to the OLC and sang along crazily. We danced and ate (The Enjolras donuts were the best! However, the Cosette ones were really sweet. The Eponine ones were surprisingly good, Jelly filled but kinda lumpy. But it was funny when you punctured one, and it bled. The valjean ones were creamy perfection with sprinkles. ) And laughed with relief at how close Cameron Macintosh came to failure! It was a night to remember, as On My Own played, and Bellatrix and Voldemort danced together, (!) and Harry and Ginny kissed, and Red and Black balloons fell from the ceiling, and the cast went crazy. Surely, surely, surely, there was no group of people who were as relieved as we were at this much better casting decision. We would uphold our dignity as Mizzians after all!

LONG LIVE LES MISERABLES!

_A/N- I'm really sorry for the lack of update. I've been busy studying for various tests, and reading 'Love Is A Mixed Tape', which is the best book ever. If you haven't read it yet, you should. It's amazing! I'd give anything to be as carefree and in the moment as Renee and Rob were. I seriously believe I was born in the wrong time. Anyway, oh joy! I am thrilled with the Samantha Barks development! I guess either Cameron Macintosh or Taylor Swift saw the light. Good for them! I fell a bit bad for her though, after all this hubbub; everyone'll want to know why she's not Eponine. However, she never could have done it. She' good at what she does, which is country, not theatre. Now-take HBC out of that Mis-cast role (Don't get me wrong-i love Helena, but Madame T is not her role) and put Frances Ruffelle as Madam T, and we've got a cast. Oh well, Helena Bonham carter will be fine as Madame T. Oh well, I can imagine…..But I can't wait to see Frances and Colm in cameos. They should put JOJ, as the guy everybody thinks is Valjean. That'll be funny. Or they could- Ok, I should stop here; this is an authors note, not a rant._

_Ok, so Yay! for Samantha, and I promise I'll update more. Happy? Now review. :)_

_*Does Happy Eponine Is Samantha Yay! Dance!*_


	9. Power failure and the first death

Lily was sitting in a chair, crying. Not because anything was wring, but because she was sad Fantine was dying.

"Its not FAIR!" she moaned. "I die in real life, and now my starring role is cut short by my characters death! I'm not even on again until act twooooooo!"

Voldemort smirked.

"I get to kill you…if I remember correctly, mudblood. How about a….._reenactmen_t?" I glared at him, reminding him of the "No deaths" contract he'd signed.

"No deaths."

"For the good of the show, Andromeda, surely.."

"No. And anyway, she needs to come back for the finale."

Voldemort muttered something about "Isn't that what the understudy's for…..?" and slouched back to his corner, looking miffed. Thankfully, that had been his first contribution to the conversation, choosing to glare "menacingly" at everybody during vocal warm ups, and when we had to clear the stage, he'd "disappeared" backstage, where he'd spent 25 minuets shredding Parvati's script.

"Lily? Are you ready?"

"No."

"Well come on, we don't have all day."

**Fantine**

**Cosette, it's turned so cold**

Somebody must have turned the heat off.

**Cosette, it's past your bedtime**

**You've played the day away**

On your little toy broom stick.

"Oooh, I remember that!"

"Yeah, I loved that thing."

**And soon it will be night.**

Well, not soon, because we just started. Although I wish it would be soon, This is boring.

**Come to me, Cosette, the light is fading**

Are we having a power outage?

"I hope not."

"Fred, did you do that?"

"No."

"I can't see! Ahhh! Where is everyone?"

"Got a light, Remus?"

"Shut up, that's not funny."

"I think it was."

"Can we please go on?"

"What about the light? And I think that I dropped my stash."

"Ignoring that last bit, Lumos."

"Ah. Clever."

"Thank you, lets continue."

**Come to me, Cosette, the light is fading**

Why?

"I think you want Harry - "

"COSETTE"

" - to come to you because Voled - "

"DO NOT SAY MY NAME, BLOOD TRAITOR WEASLY!"

**Don't you see the evening star appearing?**

Although we're inside…..

**Come to me, and rest against my shoulder**

Or on second though, go upstairs and go to bed.

**How fast the minutes fly away and every minute colder.**

Ron! Was it you that turned off the air conditioning?"

"No, it was Fred."

**Hurry near, another day is dying**

Just like me, apparently. Pah, that's unlucky. Gee, Hugo really does have something against happy ending, huh?

**Don't you hear, the winter wind is crying?**

Wind can't cry.

"Yes, it can."

"No, it can't."

"well, it doesn't in the wizarding world - "

" They are muggles."

"Wind doesn't cry in the muggle world either."

"Well, it does is this show."

"It's a metaphor, Ginny."

**There's a darkness which comes without a warning**

That means a dementor, darling.

Although you could kind of see this line _as_ a warning…."

**But I will sing you lullabies and wake you in the morning.**

Unless I'm dead. Which I will be. Because of Hugo's morbid mind.

**[Valjean enters.]**

**Valjean**

**Oh, Fantine, our time is running out**

Voldemort is coming up the stairs!

**But Fantine, I swear this on my life**

I will watch over Harry –

"COSETTE"

" – until I'm arrested by the Misestry – er – Javert."

**Fantine**

**Look, M'sieur, where all the children play**

I'm hallucinating. This is fun.

" Look! It's a flying car!"

"Oooh! I love hallucinating!"

"Me too!"

"Its being driven by a magic marker!"

" That's really neat – I kinda like this show now!"

" Eek! its coming at us!"

"It's a hallucination- it can't hurt us."

" Good point. Moving on!"

**Valjean**

**Be at peace, be at peace evermore.**

Nothing to say about that.

**Fantine**

**My Cosette...**

Is crying in the crib upstairs while an evil cloaked sinister figure is preparing to cast a life changing spell. So…your down here talking to me? Problem, anyone?

**Valjean**

**Shall live in my protection**

Maybe I should go upstairs and deal with that.

"Or not."

"Why?"

"I see Voldemorts soul flying past, Harry's already defeated him."

" I think that's the angel of death…"

"Why"

"I'm. Dying. Duh."

**Fantine**

**take her now**

After all this worthless chatter

**Valjean**

**Your child will want for nothing**

Ya know, except a mother, a stable life, a father, freedom…

"Shut up, Sirius."

**Fantine**

**Good M'sieur, you come from God in Heaven.**

"Well, I come from Dumbledore In Hogwarts, but whatever you say works, Lily."

"Am I dead yet?"

"James, you don't die."

"I don't?"

"No."

"But Voldemort kills me first."

"Not in this show."

**Valjean**

**And none will ever harm Cosette**

**As long as I am living.**

Unfortunately , I'll get sent to Azkaban, so…er….that won't quite work out.

**Fantine**

**Take my hand,**

And get your wand and heal me, doofus!

**The night grows ever colder.**

I swear, this is a heating problem. I'm freezing!

"Fred did it."

"Did not!"

"Well, I like the cold. Its atmospheric."

**Valjean**

**Then I will keep you warm.**

That sounds gross.

**Fantine**

**Take my child, I give her to your keeping.**

Here's the papers- sign, quick, before the Ministry realizes its just a prop.

**Valjean**

**Take shelter from the storm**

What storm? Did it cause the heat failure?

"And the power outage?"

"No, that was Fred."

"WAS NOT. And anyway, I'm George, let me _GO_, Ron."

"Sorry. Are you Fred, or George?"

"Not Telling."

**Fantine**

**For God's sake, please stay till I am sleeping**

Which means dead, which sucks.

**And tell Cosette I love her**

Though clearly not enough to take care of her…

**And I'll see her when I wake...**

Which i…..Won't…

"The. End."

"I'm dead!"

"Yeah, and I'm motherless. That sucks. I'm stuck with the Dursleys - "

"Thenardiers."

"Yeah, them too."

" Ohhhh, poor Cosette!"

" Does _she_ get beat up by her cousin?"

"Haven't you read the book Ron?"

" Why would i?"

"I Dunno…maybe to get to know the story."

"Ron would never.."

"Shut it, Harry."

"Ok guys – lets gear up for the Confrontation."

"YES! Finally!"

"If Sirius hits me with that chair, I swear I will sue."

"Nobody will be hitting nobody else with a chair." I said, shooting a look at Sirius. Why on earth did I think it was a good idea to cast them in those roles? What did I _think_ would happen? And although we'd gotten through the first death pretty well, there was almost another whole show's worth of them to go! What had I gotten myself into, I wondered, for the millionth time. Next year, they have got to find someone else. Sirius's shout brought me back from my thoughts.

"Hey, Andy, are we starting?

Well, what have I got to loose?

"Alright, we're starting."

A whole lot, apparently.


	10. A Duel, fighting, and an exploding chair

"Sirius…please, be careful. This is all acting, right? No violence?"

"'Course not, Dromeda!" He grinned

"Okay then...ready?"

"Am I ever!"

"Then lets go." I stepped back as Sirius and Snape took center stage. I had a very, very bad feeling about this.

**[SNAPE] **

**Sirius Black at last,**

**We see each other plain**

**`M'sieur le Mayor,'**

You basterd.

**You'll wear a different chain!**

The chain of Azkaban!

**[Sirius]**

**Before you say another word, Snivellus!**

**Before you chain me up like a slave again**

In that awful hell-hole of a prison

**Listen to me! There is something I must do.**

It is rather important, actually. It is about love. Not that YOU would know about that…

"I have loved! I have loved greater and deeper than you, you filthy dog, could ever imagine! I have loved truly; how dare you contradict that?"

"You call that lust you have for my BEST FRIENDS wife love? You dirty death-eater!"

"MY LOVE FOR LILY IS AS PURE AS THE SNOW!"

"Very original, you - "

"Guys, guys, stop it! Please!" I yelled, rolling my eyes with thinly veiled frustration.

**This woman leaves behind a suffering child.**

His name is Harry!

"And he is as arrogant and dumb as his father…"

**There is none but me who can intercede,**

I have the motorcycle; I must get Harry to the Dursleys…er…Thenardiers.

**In Mercy's name, three days are all I need.**

Well, less actually. This motorcycle is magic, you see.

**Then I'll return, I pledge my word.**

**Then I'll return...**

**[SNAPE]**

**You must think me mad!**

When in reality YOU are the mad one!

**I've hunted you across the years**

Ever since you escaped, I've been watching for you…I knew you'd surface eventually.

**A man like you can never change**

Exactly, you will always be a grimy, arrogant, toe-rag.

"Oh yeah? Well, YOU will always be a slimy, hook-nosed, skeevy GIT who - ."

"YOU will always be a disloyal - "

" A slimeball who takes pleasure in - "

"CAN BOTH OF YOU PLEASE GO ON WITH THE FUCKING SONG?" I hollered, exasperated. Snape glared at me, but took up his position again. Ron gave a snicker that he only half managed to hide.

**A man such as you.**

Yeah, a git.

**[SIRIUS(in counterpoint)]**

**Believe of me what you will**

I'll always be better than you

**There is a duty that I'm sworn to do**

I must save Harry…Cosette!

**You know nothing of my life**

For I never did no wrong

"No, that was ME. I never did no wrong."

"Whoops; sorry Lily."

**All I did was steal some bread**

I was falsely accused!

**You know nothing of the world**

**You would sooner see me dead**

All you care about is petty revenge!

"All _I_ care about is petty revenge? Look who's talking!"

**But not before I see this justice**

**done**

**I am warning you Snape!**

**I'm a stronger man by far**

I can turn into a dog. How cool is that?

**There is power in me yet**

I am like, so powerful.

**My race is not yet run**

**I am warning you Snape**

**There is nothing I won't dare**

For you a slimy death eater who betrayed us

**If I have to kill you here**

I would love to. Can I?

"NO"

**I'll do what must be done! **

**[JAVERT(in counterpoint)]**

**Men like me can never change**

I will always be better than you.

**Men like you can never change**

You will always be a moron

**No,**

**24601**

**My duty's to the law -lawr - you have no**

**Rights**

None at all, for you broke out of Azkaban, and you deserve the dementors kiss!

"Ooh, I've got dementors! Want to borrow a few?" Voldemort cut in.

"Yes!" Snape said, at the same time I yelled

"No!"

"Come on. It'll be fun."

"You won't let him, will you, Meda?

"Of course not. Now, get on with the song."

**Come with me Sirius Black**

To the ministry to turn you in

**Now the wheel has turned around**

Remember how you used to bully me? I'll have my revenge!

**Sirius black is nothing now**

**Dare you talk to me of crime**

For I have done awful things, too, actually.

**And the price you had to pay**

Was so not enough.

**Every man is born in sin**

Like me, actually.

**Every man must choose his way.**

And I chose rightly, and you did not!

**You know nothing of Snape**

**I was born in a horrible place**

**I was born with scum like you**

**I am from the gutter too! **

That's true, you know. I had a very miserable childhood.

" NOW I GET TO HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A CHAIR!" Yelled Sirius advancing towards us with a chair in his hands.

"NOOOOOO"

"YEEEEEEESSSSSSS!"

"HELP!" Snape cried, as Sirius threw the chair at him.

"DON'T - " I started, but it was to late. Snape raised i=his wand and with a slashing motion, exploded the chair, which combusted with a bang flames shooting from the sodden heap of charred wood.

"Hey! Expelliarmus!"

"HAHAHA You missed me. I am the fucking LAWR! Crucio!

"Missed me! Getting old, aren't we, Snapey?"

"Cruicio you bastard! You mangey cur!"

"No stop!" I yelled, as they began firing curses at each other. "Get back!" I cried, making large sweeping motions to the cast; herding them off the stage and into the wings, where they were crowded in awe, watching the wizards duel.

"A duel? How wonderful, at last some excitement! Can I join?" Inquired Bellatrix, her lips curling in what could be either a grin or a smirk. "After all, I do need to dispose of Sirius...and Snape really is getting on my nerves...So can I?"

"Absolutely not." I snarled at my sister. "No way. This is bad enough - we;ll never get through Act One in time now."

"But - " She protested, but I cut over her.

" No dueling, and I mean it. It's in your contact, okay? Go...run lines with - hey, where did your master go?"

"Oh, I don't know." She said, smiling at me teeth glistened in the light from the dueling wizards wands.

"Oh yes you do, Bellatrix. Where is he?" God could this cast get any more dysfunctional? Clearly, the answer was yes.

"I WILL DESTROY HARRY POTTER!" Came a loud voice from the wings. "WHILE YOU ARE ALL DISTRACTED WITH THE DUEL, I WILL KILL HIM ONCE AND FAR ALL."

We all fell silent. Snape and Sirius lowered their wands. Ginny looked up from her book. Fred turned around, his hands full of puking pastilles. (Wait, what? Was I about to be Umbridged?)

" Oh crap." Voldemort said under his breath. He lowered the wand that was pointed at Harry's back. "This won't work now, will it?" Harry shook his head.

"Sorry dude. Another time. kay?"

The dark lord pocketed his wand and slouched back to the corner, muttering about "stupid character flaws that make it impossible to do anything."

"Okay. Well. Everybody okay? Snape? Sirius? Both alive? No more dueling, okay? Lets go on, if we can. There's still a chance we'll all make it out alive. "

**[Valjean breaks a chair and threatens Javert with the broken piece.**

"See, you don't HIT him, or CURSE him. You THREATEN him with the broken chair pieces."

"I like my version..."

"Me too...I'll get you later, 'padfoot'."

**Turns to Fantine]**

**[VALJEAN]**

**[to Fantine] And this I swear to you tonight**

I will try and save Harry from a horrible life.

**[JAVERT]**

**[to Valjean] There is no place for you to hide**

If you hide at Hogwarts, I will always find you.

**[VALJEAN]**

**Your child will live within my care**

Err...I hope. Well, no. Not really.

**[JAVERT]**

**Wherever you may hide away**

I will find you, and hunt you, and kill you!

**[VALJEAN]**

**And I will raise her to the light.**

Well, about that...

**[VALJEAN AND JAVERT]**

**I swear to you, I will be there!**

"Can I knock him out?"

"NO"

"But the stage directions say.."

"I don't care; we've had enough drama tonight. Everybody, take 5, and be prepared for Castle On A Cloud."

...

**AN - If anybody cares, I have edited all the previous chapters; corrected grammatical errors and the such. I am sorry for my long absence, I have been in a very hard place recently and have not had the strength to try my hand again at comedy. But I am back, and shall see where this story takes us. Much love to you all. 3**


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